In our fast-paced and modern society, we are witnessing a great number of young people struggling with such problems as drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety and depression. There is also a current vaping epidemic. Meanwhile, a significant number of middle-aged and older adults are also facing mental health issues. Marriages are failing, and more people are feeling lonely and unhappy.
With the prevalence of mental health problems, we need to ask ourselves why a developed country like ours, which has succeeded in so many areas, is experiencing a rise in mental health issues? What exactly is wrong?
Increasingly, society is engaged in discussing the impacts of climate changes on the quality of our lives and the fate of future generations. The responsibility to protect the environment has been placed on everyone’s shoulders. Indeed, while taking care of the environment is extremely important, we need to ask ourselves if society should demonstrate the same level of concern when it comes to the home environment our children grow up in.
While there are many important factors that affect mental health, including biological factors, the home environment, especially the quality of parent-child connection, plays a critical role in mental well-being. In my experience providing psychotherapy for adolescents and adults, the nature of the bond between parent and child has stood out as a major factor that contributes to a patient’s mental health difficulties.
I believe we are all born with the potential to thrive, and a nurturing environment provides the foundation for that to happen. It is through our interaction with our parents that we first learn how to give and receive love. Love means respect, safety, attention, affection and trust. When a parent and child relationship have these components, a child feels emotionally close to their parents and a strong bond develops.
Therefore, a strong connection paves the way for a child to learn about self-worth, trust and emotional closeness. If my parents are sensitive to my needs and feelings, I feel important and worthy of love. I allow myself to get close to people without fear of rejection and abandonment. I feel confident to take on new challenges in life. A healthy parent-child relationship and a safe home can protect us from experiencing persistent negative feelings including anger, loneliness, fear and sadness. We become more emotionally resilient to deal with the adversities that life will undoubtedly bring.
The bond between parent and child, however, is likely to be damaged when a child experience trauma due to abuse, neglect or exposure to violence. How can I get close to my parents if I fear them? How can I feel important and worthy if my parents don’t show they care about me? Children raised in unhealthy environments are likely to experience strong feelings of rejection and abandonment, contributing to anxiety, depression and difficulty with interpersonal relationships. Defiance, attention deficits, violence and self-harming behaviors are among problems that children raised in unhealthy home environments are susceptible to experience.
Trauma, however, is not the only factor that prevents a child from developing a strong connection with a parent. In many typical families, parents are busy working and there is limited time to spend together as a family unit. Children are expected to get good grades, participate in extra-curricular activities, and help around the house. In comparation with past generations, children have less time to socialize and have fun. Nowadays, this occur as early as kindergarten where free play, fun and peer interaction, essential for mental well-being, are being overshadowed by academic goals and expectations.
In many families, a parent’s interaction with their children is often relegated to addressing matters about school, chores and other expectations, and not enough time is put into nurturing the parent-child connection. An important aspect of connecting with our children is showing interest in them as individuals. When we spend quality time and talk about things that interest our children, they not only feel important, but also learn how to show interest in other people, which is an essential social skill. Some parents, however, are not good at understanding what their children are feeling and thinking, while others are emotionally distant, unable to show empathy. When parents struggle to bond with their children, they are also more likely to have difficulty being close to their spouses. As a result, the home environment lacks healthy bonds among family members, which often causes children to experience deep sadness, low self-esteem and social isolation.
Trust is a very important element of a healthy relationship. However, I often hear parents say they do not trust their children due to their past behavior. The problem with this is that when a parent loses trust in a child, their bond weakens, which in turn leads to an increase in parent-child conflict. A healthy relationship will never be possible without trust and respect.
Many parents also lack trust in their children’s ability to make the right decisions or keep themselves safe. As a result, these children are not given enough opportunities to learn how to become self-reliant - they lack confidence to take care of themselves and tackle challenges and difficulties in life. Quite regularly I hear adolescents complaining of being unprepared for life outside of the home due to their parents’ strict rules and lack of trust. These teens tend to experience excessive fear, anxiety and self-doubt that often follows them into adulthood.
A great number of young people are transitioning into adulthood less equipped emotionally and socially to experience meaningful relationships and cope with the adversities that life will undoubtedly bring. In social relationships, they are often guarded due to inadequate social skills, trust issues and the fear of being judged. Empathy and compassion, that should be learned in childhood, are often missing. Likewise, their intimate relationships frequently lack emotional closeness required for a lasting and healthy bond. There is not enough respect, trust, care and understanding.
In our attempts to decrease mental health issues in our society, we must discuss the importance of our child’s home environment as a critical foundation for their mental well-being – this I argue is where prevention should begin.
It would be a good start if we try to give our children their childhoods back – in other words, allow them to have more opportunities to make great memories with friends, have a say about their lives, and make honest mistakes. Let’s show them affection, understanding, and trust. Our children’s own personal growth, as well as their opinions should be respected. Their home environment should feel safe with a role model who promotes healthy intimacy.
A great legacy that each one of us can leave to society is to raise emotionally stable and caring human beings. These individuals in turn will be able to develop healthy attachments and will be more likely to succeed in the most important areas of their lives. They will be productive human beings, contributing to a healthier civil society.
If we continue to raise children who focus mostly on competition, expectations and accomplishments, without prioritizing their emotional and social needs, we are depriving them of opportunities to experience what is most valuable for our mental well-being: the human connection.